People-pleasing in the parking lot
I once spent 20 minutes standing in the parking lot listening to my patient talk. And this was AFTER I'd just spent almost 2 hours on her intake appointment.
Now, this in and of itself was not the problem. This situation could have been entirely okay - even a wonderful thing - if it wasn't for a few key things:
It might have been okay if...
...this was me ACTUALLY being kind to her. If I genuinely wanted to give her the space to talk and my listening was an act of service to her. But this was not the case. My mind was ruminating on how to politely exit the conversation, how frustrated and resentful I felt at being "taken advantage of" and how it was so rude for her to assume that I had extra time. This meant that not only was I not truly listening, but it was also far from being kind.
It might also have been okay if...
...it felt like a choice. If this was something I'd decided to do and could've decided differently if I wanted to. But my feet may as well have been glued to the concrete for how able I felt to end the conversation & walk away. I felt like what I did was entirely at the mercy of her behaviour and what she might think or feel, as if she was in the driver's seat of my life instead of me.
It might have been totally okay if...
...I wasn't sacrificing my own needs and priorities in order to serve hers. I was supposed to meet my boyfriend for lunch ages ago. I was hungry, exhausted and missing out on quality time with my partner, but I didn't consider any of that worthy of being prioritised. I was so practised at abandoning my own needs, priorities and values in the name of "helping" that this didn't even seem strange to me.
And finally, it might have been okay if...
...this was an isolated incident, instead of something that occurred with almost every single patient. I discounted treatments or treated for free because I felt guilty charging and I spent way more time with each patient than I intended to. I went out of my way to accommodate patients at whatever time of day they wanted an appointment. I didn't speak up when people made inappropriate remarks. This behaviour was habituated and automated, and it affected every area of my life.
All of these characteristics was how I know that this was a case of people-pleasing and not of me being wonderfully kind to another human.
And as healthcare professionals, this kind of behaviour is often encouraged. We're supposed to sacrifice ourselves for other people's needs, we're supposed to prioritise other people's emotions over our own, we're supposed to keep everyone else comfortable, happy and healthy - regardless of what it takes out of us to do that.
Well, I call BS on that 😉
Here's what I believe: when clinicians are deeply healthy, filled up and lit up by the work they do - THAT is when they serve their patients and the world in a bigger way than they ever thought possible. And the distinction between people-pleasing and true kindness MATTERS - for us and the people we're serving.
My people-pleasing still rears its head as a form of protection whenever I show up in bigger ways, but I have come a long way since that day in the parking lot. I can honestly say that I help more, serve more AND love what I do more as I do the work to overcome my people-pleasing.
So I'd love to know, where does people-pleasing show up for you in YOUR life or career? Share your story in the comments!
