Are you willing to go first?

I've been speaking a lot about self-authorship lately - the process of creating your own internal compass for your life & career rather than needing others to approve of you or your decisions or think only good things about you.

And one clinician commented that this whole self-authoring thing sounds AMAZING but also... maybe a bit lonely?

And this makes total sense; I had a similar fear when I started the journey of stepping into a braver version of my life, and still have it at various points along the way. I think the first thing to know is that it really is just that: a journey. You're usually not jumping into this full force in one go; you're taking small steps, and before you know it you're taking bigger and bolder steps that don't necessarily feel as scary as you anticipated because the process has been gradual.

But as I thought about this question more, there were some additional ideas I wanted to share - with this clinician, but also with all of you.

I think it's important to differentiate between "being alone" and "loneliness". Being alone - which tbh I love more than most things - can feel free and fun, meaningful or just completely neutral. But when you make being alone mean something about you (e.g. I'm unlovable), about other people (e.g. they're not caring) or the future (e.g. being alone now means I'll be alone forever) that's usually when we create the emotional discomfort that we might call loneliness.

I think self-authorship can result in being alone more often but that doesn't necessarily mean we have to feel lonely. AND... the journey to self-authorship also involves getting comfortable with the full range of human emotion, and so you're no longer making your decisions purely to avoid discomfort. You begin to trust in your ability to handle whatever arises, and you have your own back no matter what.

I can also honestly say I don't feel lonelier than I used to when people-pleasing was the air I breathed. Even though it helped me "fit in", I really had to leave myself behind in order to do this, and so I actually felt lonelier (not to mention FAR more anxious) because of that. I might have been alone less, but only because I was trying to take part in things and be in spaces I didn't even really want to be in the first place.

Now, I remind myself that I bring my belonging with me. I bring it to every person I meet and every place I go to; I'm no longer looking for it out there.

As I step more into who I am and give myself more permission to release the grip of societal norms, the possibility of becoming less palatable, less "nice" and less "vanilla" (as I used to refer to myself) becomes more real. I may become a flavour that many people don't particularly like, and they may leave. For some people, their version of self-authorship may be extremely unpalatable for a lot of people, and they may even risk their safety in expressing who they really are. But ultimately, you might decide that losing the wrong people is worth it to avoid losing yourself.

True belonging is the spiritual practice of believing in and belonging to yourself so deeply that you can share your most authentic self with the world and find sacredness in both being part of something and standing alone in the wilderness. True belonging doesn't require you to change who you are, it requires you to be who you are."

- Brené Brown (Braving the Wilderness)

The other thought that came up around this was... I'm not necessarily going alone, I'm just going first. Imagine the difference of deciding to go on an amazing road trip and then finding out one of your good friends wants to join you VS only going if someone (anyone!) will come with you. It'll be wonderful if your friend joins you and you may even prefer that she did. But you're also still going - and still having an amazing time - even if she doesn't. You're also not inviting someone you don't even want to travel with just to avoid going alone.

And so it's not that it's not WONDERFUL when others love and respect you and adore you - the goal is not to become some lone wolf robot who doesn't need other people. It just means you're not relying on others to supply you with those things - you're going first.

If you're looking for people to respect your profession...

YOU respect your profession first. And... you respect other people's professions first.

If you want people to adore you & shower you with affection...

Adore and shower yourself with affection first. And do it for others, with no expectations or strings attached.

If you want people to think you're a kind person...

Then you believe that wholeheartedly first. Explore what doubts you might have and what kindness really means to you; lean into knowing who you are regardless of what others may think. And be genuinely kind to others first.

So... what are YOU wanting more of from others in your life? And what might it look like to go first in creating that?