Why I cried on date night (yes in public)
Yes, I cried at the restaurant.
Over my plate of ribs.
I even did the weird hand-wave-to-dry-your-tears thing that I've only seen celebrities do.
We had gone out to eat because we'd had a tense period in our relationship, and we wanted to reconnect and talk about what had been going on in an environment where we were unlikely to become emotionally overwhelmed (oh, the irony).
After my boyfriend had been explaining things that he had been finding difficult in the last while, he told me that sometimes he felt that I was an inconsiderate person, and it made him doubt our compatibility.
Whew. Not the kind of thing you want to hear from your partner.
But that wasn't what got me emotional.
After he was done talking, I told him that I understood that he felt that way. And then I calmly and firmly said:
I know I'm not an inconsiderate person.
And I will hold that belief for myself even when you don't.
*cue the tears (and celebrity-hand-waving, which made us both burst out laughing)
Now this might not have made someone else emotional, but that fierce love for myself moved me.
The way it bubbled up to the surface without me thinking about it moved me.
I was acutely aware of how differently I would've responded only a few years ago - usually shutting down and withdrawing in shame or lashing out at him and making sure he knew what he'd done wrong. And don't get me wrong, I still do that.
But my default response was shifting. I was realising that it was possible to deeply care for myself while staying open and compassionate towards him at the same time.
I thought a lot about this response afterwards, and I realised it represented some of the things I've come to believe in the past few years. I'm sharing these below and I hope that you find them helpful in your life too.
Humans are meaning-making machines
We're constantly interpreting things that happen or things that people do or say through our own lens. We often make things mean something about us, the person or the relationship based on our own mixture of past experiences, values & beliefs.
Knowing this, I could see that his judgement of me was because of how he interpreted my actions; it didn't necessarily reflect the truth of the situation. And I didn't - in turn - need to make his judgement mean anything about me, him or our relationship.
Our behaviour is not our identity
Even if sometimes I mess up and do act in a way that's inconsiderate, it doesn't make that WHO I AM. People are not simple considerate or inconsiderate, good or bad, smart or dumb, responsible or irresponsible.
And that doesn't mean we don't hold ourselves and others accountable for their actions, it just means that we don't need to make fixed identity or character judgements from our behaviours. We are complex and multi-faceted beings, and we have an immense capacity for growth and change.
Self-compassion, unlike self-esteem, is there when you need it the most
Self-esteem is a bit like that friend who is only a friend when you're cool, good at stuff or well-liked. Self-compassion is the friend that loves and supports you even when - or especially when - you messed up or have been rejected.
Because self-compassion - unlike self-esteem - is not based on whether you're doing life well or whether others are pleased with you, it provides the love and support in the times where you most need it.
